FreelanceCoach Blog

Have there been times when you looked back upon a relationship and wondered ‘What really went wrong?’ Relationships- of any sort- are rarely the same as time passes, some atrophies and completely ends while others are mostly taken for granted.

Take the time out to evaluate one relationship that you hold dear. How different is it today than it was in the beginning? Are the changes mostly negative or positive, do you welcome these changes? And most importantly do you wish you never got into it in the first place?

The very first thing that you need to know and believe in is that ‘relationships don’t change, people do’, and this change is almost always mutual and more of a cause and effect scenario. Just because your spouse is not showering you with the same attention as they did during the courtship period, or your best friend has elected to choose lunch with her family over a day out shopping with you, does NOT mean that the relationship is heading towards an end.

It merely needs a little working upon, adjustment, and evolution.

Agreed that there are certain relationships that end up being the biggest mistakes of our lives (and one of the best lessons learnt!) but before deeming a relationship completely unsalvageable, why not make one last effort to work things out?

Before giving you a couple of tried-and-tested tips to keep your relationship going, here’s a little story of two of my best friends. Sean and Wrena were the classic example of opposites attracting, where Wrena was an outgoing, loud and party-crazy girl, Sean was an introvert, shy, and to some extent socially inept.

The first few months, the both of them could hardly stay away from each other. Wrena would often pass up on parties and outings just to be with Sean, who would shower her with attention and homemade food. But within the first 6 months, Wrena started to feel like she committed too soon, she went back to her old ways and while Sean did have an issue with her flirting around and tried to make her see reasoning, but accepted after a while.

Sean had tried his best to change according to Wrena’s will. He would tag along for parties even if it made him uncomfortable, he would compromise more, and he went on to the extent of giving up his job and moving to the other end of the town because Wrena’s workplace was nearer.

Since Sean had never gone against Wrena’s wish or had demanded that she compromised at some level, Wrena had started to take him for granted. She would fight and threaten to leave him well-aware that Sean would never let go off her.

But let go off her he did. After 2 years of trying his ultimate best, he let Wrena go because she was just not happy with him. Wrena then moved out and for the first year travelled all over the country but when she came back, she looked distressed and restless.

Meanwhile Sean had met someone else, Camile; another shy, introvert, average looking girl but I had never seen Sean so happy before. Not only did Camile recognize what a gem of a person Sean was, but she also valued every little effort Sean made to keep Camile happy.

They were the textbook example of a perfect couple. And while I was extremely happy for Sean and Camile, I to an extent wished Wrena could have been in Camile’s shoes and made some effort to work her relationship out with Sean.

Wrena soon learned that guys like Sean were hard to find, and now it was just too late.

For those of you who do not wish to repeat Wrena’s mistake, here are a couple of tips to help you change the face of your relationship for better: 

• As Anthony Robbins puts it “Treat every day of your relationship like your first day, and your relationship will never see an end”. Never lose respect for your partner or treat them like they are inferior to you.
• Make conscious efforts to rekindle your relationship. Why not take a short vacation together or simply surprise them with something the both of you used to do but stopped over the time.
• Add some spark to your intimate life if the relationship in question is with your partner.
• One major reason for the decay of any relationship is the lack of communication. Talk often and listen, don’t just hear what the other is saying.
• Spend time with each other. Any common hobby or interest? Why not enroll in a meditation or yoga class together?
• “Feel” the love you have for the person. How did you feel during the first few years of the relationship, figure out what has changed over the years and how can you resolve these issues.
• Love yourself. Unless you are completely head-over-heels in love with yourself, how will you love another person? Pay attention to your physical and emotional state and work on improving regularly.

It takes two to work a relationship out. Keep the love growing and the relationship would seldom see a bad day.

May your relationships be filedl with love!

FreelanceCoach team

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You read the book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ by John Gray PhD, but it didn’t help. You suggested counseling but he/she wouldn’t go.  You’ve spoken with your Pastor on many occasions but didn’t receive the counsel that you felt you both needed.  And now, you’re heading for divorce.  Or worst yet, your divorce is final and now you don’t know what to do next.

What you are experiencing right now is probably a combination of pain, anger, frustration, and even guilt.  You may also feel dazed, confused, and alone.  But there is hope…Divorce Coaching.

What is Divorce Coaching?
The right divorce coach will work with you (together as a couple or individually), to help you manage emotions, identify practical realities of your divorce and address issues related to self-esteem.  The coaching process is an opportunity to work with a coach whose only goal is to help you through the divorce.

What about the Divorce Coach?
Your divorce coach understands that each session is all about YOU.  Your needs. Your desires.  And your goals.  A divorce coach works with present issues to provide you with the tools to move forward into the future.  A divorce coach will also provide a safe environment that will allow you to explore your anger, fear, frustration, guilt and sadness.

There are other alternative dispute resolution (ADR) methods to a costly court-room battle – mediation and collaborative divorce are two of them.

Other alternatives to a costly court-room battle

• Mediation – a neutral third party who does not represent either party, but is there solely to facilitate a mutually agreed upon solution.   The mediator can sort through differences between the two parties involved in a dispute, and find common ground; definitely a much more cost-effective solution to hiring an attorney.
• Collaborative Divorce – a team of professionals trained in the collaborative divorce process.  The “team” is typically made up of 2-attorneys, 2-divorce coaches, a child specialist and financial specialist.  Collaborative Divorce is not for everyone or for every situation.  PLEASE do your research.

If you are having interpersonal conflicts at home find out how Coaching or Mediation can work for you.  Contact me for a FREE Discovery Session: Eudine Herbert - Conflictmediator

There is light at the end of this tunnel…get a Divorce Coach to help you through it.

Until next time…

Resolve It Now!

Eudine Herbert, the Conflict Mediator

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